Broken-Hearted

That's it. We're over. On 17th Oct 2012.. I.. make the decision.. and it's quite tough to say goodbye... We cried.. But I feel that sense of relief from being shackled. Unfortunately.. this feeling doesn't last longer.. I think that I want him back.. And that's a BAD idea that ever popped up in my mind..

I certainly know that there's no way I'll go back to him.. After all that I've done to him.. He will not accept me again.. He will search for another.. better lady.. better than me.. That's for sure.. And it hurts me, A LOT. Deserve me right for doing such things to him.. I abandoned him.. Keep ignoring him.. HATE him.. And now.. There would be no difference if I regret it now.. Things will never change as I wish it to be.. NEVER..

Now I'm attached to this handsome, cute guy.. And he admires me, much than I thought. Hmm.. Things gonna be tangled after this.. Well, I am not a 'me' if I didn't make some mess, hehe.. Bad of me.. 

I'm just hoping that this broken-heart is a part of moving on.. It'll be good to feel.. As much as a human can hold that kind of feeling..

It's NEVER Easy..

Parting is never, ever easy.. It's the HARDEST & SADDEST option to decide.. If possible, we don't even want to get through that situation.. but still it is unavoidable..

When I'm thinking of parting with him.. I think that I can't.. Maybe because of sympathetic.. Or maybe I'm not use to the 'new' surrounding without him.. Or maybe I don't want to humiliate him.. since he often come to my home (well, 4 or 5 times in a year, plus our relatives seeing us walk together anywhere we go..) etc. etc..

In case if I really split with him.. I think that I don't want to involve in any relationship again.. Eventhough I have the other one, but I will not possibly, and simply coupling to him.. 'Cause now he is waiting to his girlfriend to approve their relationship.. It is a very hurting fact to know, but at least I know where I suppose to be..

Life is never easy to walk through.. Especially in love life.. I think that love life is one of the toughest thing to live in.. But without love, people is nothing..

Re-enact the Past

Over a year ago, I fall in love to him.. Within a year I control myself not to continuously fall in love into him.. And this April 21 is our third anniversary.. But my heart is not there any more.. Such feeling is very  hurting.. Knowing that you're lying to others, especially the one that loves you much, is totally a worst feeling that I ever had.. 


He said to me just now, before we dismiss.. If someday that you'll leave me, I will not ask why did you leave me, your plan afterwards (being a religious or finding another partner, but still you can tell me, if you want to), and I pull back my words that I'll find the person who takes you from me.. But still, I'll love you so much, until now, I love you with all my heart.. The moment he speak such words to me, I was touched.. and confuse.. 


And at the same, earlier day (1:30am), I've spoken to the other.. There's so much we discussed.. Heart-to-heart.. And I realize that we both suffer from this feeling: LOVE..


I only can pray and hope that the situation is restored..

A Year Ago...

It is approximately a year, I keep this feeling to him.. I've fight so much to withstand this feeling.. and I keep thinking of him till now.. and I almost forget the other person.. until he make a call to me.. then only I realized that I supposed to think of him, not the other.. 


I realize now that it is hard to say 'I love you' to him, since my love towards him is.. gone.. And now I'm with him just because I appreciate all that he have done in our relationship. He gives me so much that now I refuse to leave him..


It is weird that I still love this other person.. after over a year I keep fighting to take away this feeling towards him.. But still.. he keep lingering in my mind.. I always wondering.. Is he still have the same feeling towards me, the same feeling as I do? Let the time reveals everything..


Now, I keep my life like this: Stay with him, but inside loving the other. At the same time, I'll neutralize this feeling towards the other, as long as I can..

WHY?

I've told myself that I'll not (ever) fall in love to him again, but now, I did. I've got the same, old feeling, overwhelming me right now, and it sucks! I really want to say that I still love him.. But I know that he will refuse to hear it.. The other guy keep 'controlling' me, and this makes me exhausting! I almost fed-up! Oh feeling, please be nice to me.. I suffer much more than I thought.. But it's worth.. Making sure that this harmony situation is still there.. I just hope that I can hold on just a little longer.. Hmm...

'Have you seen it yet?'

Well, anyone is free to see anyone's blog, isn't it? Thank you for stopping by. ;)

Lying Again~

I'd lie again. And it makes me feel bad. A real bad. He said that don't be disloyal, I said yes, definitely; and it happened vice versa. And when he said the other's (he) name, I feel like I want to cry. I just get confused with myself, I don't know how to decide. Betraying is not good, but I'm involved in it. I end up with confusion, and loneliness. Maybe this situation deserves me for doing all this.

Oh heart, don't shattered, but be brave..

Dream of Him~

I can't believe that I've dream of him twice, chronologically! First, I have dreamt about him kissing my cheek, deeply (sounds weird, eh?) and the other sees it and get jealous. I chased after him and convince him that I'm not doing that for reason, I mean it 'accidentally' happen. He said he was okay then but he stayed away from me. The following night, I dreamt that he made me jealous, he mingle with this 'lady' (who's always involve 'bout us and I HATE it) and I end up with broken heart. Huu~

Whatever it is, it's only a dream anyway. There's no way that it's gonna be true.

Should I Post 'bout This?

I barely believe it! Just now we're texting, and I've found out that all of our matters goes to his mom! OMG! I'm so ashamed when I'm thinking way back, where I've met their family before, and without I'm realizing it, someone's spots me, I mean evaluating me, sort of. Huu~

Apart of it, he asking me out. I feel happy, but at the same time I feel that I'm wrong for betraying the other.. But what can I do? I don't have the guts to face everything, I hope that I have a heart that strong enough to face rough situation..

I Saw It & Just Love It!

Someone say this on his post:

God knows the number of our days here on earth. True love will only come once in a lifetime and if you found the one who you feel without the doubt that this person is the one for you . When you die, our soul will last forever and you either go to heaven or hell . Love the one you love especially here when you are still alive and breathing. Show them how much you love them and treasure every moment with them. . Love is forever for those who love with their whole heart and soul..

I love this statement, thanks to this dude! (:http://www.google.com.my/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=a%20thousand%20years%20christina%20perri&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCYQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DrtOvBOTyX00&ei=pokVT_aKM8jZrQeg2qmTAg&usg=AFQjCNErkUWiZUtPBJ5CS3HBlT6Ll58CPg

Click on the above link, then you know what I mean..

Missing Yesterday

I miss to live a day yesterday. Sounds weird, isn't it? Haha! Well, I don't know what's the cause, maybe it's because of my feeling previously. I've distracted by my frustration towards him, and unintentionally I bring on that feeling the other day. I prefer to stay in my room on that day, not socialize at all. I play games all day long, without taking baths, and I only take meal twice, a little. What a horrible day!

Today, everything turns normal again. And one thing for sure, I'll not let the same situation happening again. Dear heart, you must always be brave!

I'm Crying...

I barely can't take it! And I've cried, it's just like that my heart is going to burst! Oh God, help me to stand such situation...

I have no one to share 'bout this, even if I have one, he/she will not understand.. I carry this burden alone, correction, with Jesus.. Only He the True Friend that will stand beside me whenever I fall..

I should just shut my eyes and command my mind to sleep! But I have this difficulty to sleep at night.. My mind tends to think about him.. How can I get rid of you out of my mind??! Can you just get out of my mind??! How I wish that it will be easy as we blurt it out..

Be calm my dear~ Someday, this will comes to an end!!!

When he says 'LOVE'...

My heart starts aching when he says love to other peeps.. I just can't help myself for not to be jealous of it.. Now I keep peeking his Facebook.. O why? I'm so sure that I've neutralize my feeling towards him.. But there's something left behind, inside me.. I thought that I'm in control this feeling, but once again, this feeling overwhelmed me..

Oh my dearest heart, be brave till this over!!!

'Is it too easy to forget you..?'

I've said that I totally forget him.. but is that too easy to forget him? We've been together for these few hours, and we did less eye contact ( especially me, I guess ), and I 'have' to pretend that nothing happened, before. My mind keep thinking of him, and I have to distract it with other thoughts. This is not that easy as I think it is. *Sigh*

He had send me home just now.. And we've chat.. We don't discuss about personal matters, avoiding it as possible as we can. We end up chatting about career, and being rich in the future. Haha! Well, it's lovely to have a normal chat with him. :)

I really hope that these thing become normal again.. Well, it's up to me to make it normal, and lovable to happen. ;)

*I wanna cry I can't forget him!!! ):*

Relief!

For the first time I did neutralise my feeling towards him, honestly. (: I feel kind of relief, and I really hope that this feeling will last longer, and gradually will disappear... I know that this feeling will last, and I'm very grateful, no regrets to let this feeling vanished..

From now on, I'm ready to cherish my only love, and it's good to cherish a person in one time.

Oh my dearest heart, you win the battle!

Bad-Tempered

He is quite bad-tempered, and this sometimes makes me down and feels hard a little bit of our relationship.. When I'm unsure of something, then I ask him for explanation, he blames me for not understand. How can I understand if he doesn't tell the whole story? What's the point of trying to understand, even the base of the story is unknown yet?

Oh my dearest heart, be brave to face such situation!

Hold Back

Well.. I send messages to him recently ( I can't help myself not to ), and he reply me with warm welcome, just as a friend did ( I guess ). From the ordinary sharing stories, later come up with more serious issue ( as I thought it will be ) but nah, nothing like that. Maybe it's me that think of it that way, complicated. Haha! But still I think there's something that he hold back there.. Something that he refuse to tell.. Never mind, someday I'll know, just like before. Let the time reveals!

just hearing your name...

Today someone's mentioned his name.. and I feel very happy, and more to..excited.. I know that I shouldn't have a feeling like this, but it happened.. That someone ask about his age, and to my surprise, she thought that he is older than me. haha! Well, I reply, he is younger than me, but his thoughts is older than his age. hihii...

The other one give me a call.. And he ask me if I've forget him, and I said : No. Ouw.. I lie again.. Thinking of someone else is a crime.. especially in a relationship.. I wish that someday everything will turn normal again..

Appearance...

It happened in this first day of 2012, when I'm with him, the other appear...

The day before, the last day of 2011, I thinking of him all that day while I was with him, and I promise myself that I'll not thinking of him again; starting from 12:00am. Unfortunately, or it's a fortune, or destiny, or coincidence ( I just don't understand why situation turns out this way ) I saw him... And I'm a bit disappointed, but at the same time I'm happy for seeing him, but I can't express cause the other one is here; with me.

The thing is.. I still love him, but I just can't leave the other who care me for a long time.. Well, I prefer to live this  way, to experience this heartache.. I hope that I brave enough to stand this situation..