Broken-Hearted

That's it. We're over. On 17th Oct 2012.. I.. make the decision.. and it's quite tough to say goodbye... We cried.. But I feel that sense of relief from being shackled. Unfortunately.. this feeling doesn't last longer.. I think that I want him back.. And that's a BAD idea that ever popped up in my mind..

I certainly know that there's no way I'll go back to him.. After all that I've done to him.. He will not accept me again.. He will search for another.. better lady.. better than me.. That's for sure.. And it hurts me, A LOT. Deserve me right for doing such things to him.. I abandoned him.. Keep ignoring him.. HATE him.. And now.. There would be no difference if I regret it now.. Things will never change as I wish it to be.. NEVER..

Now I'm attached to this handsome, cute guy.. And he admires me, much than I thought. Hmm.. Things gonna be tangled after this.. Well, I am not a 'me' if I didn't make some mess, hehe.. Bad of me.. 

I'm just hoping that this broken-heart is a part of moving on.. It'll be good to feel.. As much as a human can hold that kind of feeling..

It's NEVER Easy..

Parting is never, ever easy.. It's the HARDEST & SADDEST option to decide.. If possible, we don't even want to get through that situation.. but still it is unavoidable..

When I'm thinking of parting with him.. I think that I can't.. Maybe because of sympathetic.. Or maybe I'm not use to the 'new' surrounding without him.. Or maybe I don't want to humiliate him.. since he often come to my home (well, 4 or 5 times in a year, plus our relatives seeing us walk together anywhere we go..) etc. etc..

In case if I really split with him.. I think that I don't want to involve in any relationship again.. Eventhough I have the other one, but I will not possibly, and simply coupling to him.. 'Cause now he is waiting to his girlfriend to approve their relationship.. It is a very hurting fact to know, but at least I know where I suppose to be..

Life is never easy to walk through.. Especially in love life.. I think that love life is one of the toughest thing to live in.. But without love, people is nothing..

Re-enact the Past

Over a year ago, I fall in love to him.. Within a year I control myself not to continuously fall in love into him.. And this April 21 is our third anniversary.. But my heart is not there any more.. Such feeling is very  hurting.. Knowing that you're lying to others, especially the one that loves you much, is totally a worst feeling that I ever had.. 


He said to me just now, before we dismiss.. If someday that you'll leave me, I will not ask why did you leave me, your plan afterwards (being a religious or finding another partner, but still you can tell me, if you want to), and I pull back my words that I'll find the person who takes you from me.. But still, I'll love you so much, until now, I love you with all my heart.. The moment he speak such words to me, I was touched.. and confuse.. 


And at the same, earlier day (1:30am), I've spoken to the other.. There's so much we discussed.. Heart-to-heart.. And I realize that we both suffer from this feeling: LOVE..


I only can pray and hope that the situation is restored..

A Year Ago...

It is approximately a year, I keep this feeling to him.. I've fight so much to withstand this feeling.. and I keep thinking of him till now.. and I almost forget the other person.. until he make a call to me.. then only I realized that I supposed to think of him, not the other.. 


I realize now that it is hard to say 'I love you' to him, since my love towards him is.. gone.. And now I'm with him just because I appreciate all that he have done in our relationship. He gives me so much that now I refuse to leave him..


It is weird that I still love this other person.. after over a year I keep fighting to take away this feeling towards him.. But still.. he keep lingering in my mind.. I always wondering.. Is he still have the same feeling towards me, the same feeling as I do? Let the time reveals everything..


Now, I keep my life like this: Stay with him, but inside loving the other. At the same time, I'll neutralize this feeling towards the other, as long as I can..

WHY?

I've told myself that I'll not (ever) fall in love to him again, but now, I did. I've got the same, old feeling, overwhelming me right now, and it sucks! I really want to say that I still love him.. But I know that he will refuse to hear it.. The other guy keep 'controlling' me, and this makes me exhausting! I almost fed-up! Oh feeling, please be nice to me.. I suffer much more than I thought.. But it's worth.. Making sure that this harmony situation is still there.. I just hope that I can hold on just a little longer.. Hmm...

'Have you seen it yet?'

Well, anyone is free to see anyone's blog, isn't it? Thank you for stopping by. ;)

Lying Again~

I'd lie again. And it makes me feel bad. A real bad. He said that don't be disloyal, I said yes, definitely; and it happened vice versa. And when he said the other's (he) name, I feel like I want to cry. I just get confused with myself, I don't know how to decide. Betraying is not good, but I'm involved in it. I end up with confusion, and loneliness. Maybe this situation deserves me for doing all this.

Oh heart, don't shattered, but be brave..